Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Baby, You're a Firework!

You may have noticed that I use a lot of music in my posts. I think music is one of the most moving things that humans have ever come up with - no other animals (and make no mistake - humans ARE animals in all possible ways) consciously make music! Sure, birds sing, but they don't really listen to each other and meld the notes together to make a beautiful whole. I think that if I ever went deaf, I'd cry forever - I love it.

So I use music to inspire me; I use it to move me; I use it to comfort me and it adds salve to my emotional wounds. It also lifts me up - I have been known to tear up! Yes, I'm a dork, but bare with me, please.

The song I'm thinking of today is "Firework" by Katy Perry. Let's be honest here, she's a bunch of teen fluff (who isn't really a teen anymore, but hey, if you know it - sell it, I guess) but this song is very inspiring. Here are the lyrics:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know


Well, it goes on from there for a bit. But the important parts? The parts I bolded above!


Now, I didn't start out this thing to be an inspiration to anyone else but myself. I have to tell you I'm a bit naturally selfish. But I can see this whole movement - this whole "100by35" thing inspiring others. I find myself WANTING to be the light...to let myself shine...as I go through this process. At the same time, hello, how egotistical is that?

That's just the thing, though...if I DON'T have some sort of ego throughout this thing, it won't work. I have to find respect in myself, I have to find that sense of ME...I need to have some pride in what I'm doing.

Last Thursday, I'd gained 2 lbs from the Saturday before. Then on Sunday I weighed myself and I'd LOST those 2lbs (for everyone following along, that means I'm at 350). I thought, "How effed up IS this?!" I mean, I'm 350 lbs, people. Holy carp!! However...my arms are getting more muscular, I don't feel as "fat" (even at this particular time of the month >.>)  and I'm feeling very good about myself physically. For the most part. Some times. Anyway...

So, I've also decided that despite the fact that I'm probably like a ton of other people out there (and thus my semi-joking-goal to be an inspiration to other fatties), I AM Original. Hell, no one else even has my name! On the PLANET! Okay, that's a tiny weirdism (?), but darn it, that's how I feel.

Anyway, folks, I just want to leave you with this - as original as I am - YOU ARE, TOO. And I've found my time - this IS my time. So if you're gaining any inspiration from the little bit (comparatively) of rambling I'm doing about my weight and finding some light in it then even if I never lose this 100 lbs (96 now!) at least I've done something and helped you find YOUR light. :) I kinda like that idea.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Let's Open Our Eyes To A Brand New Day

I've stayed in one place for too long
Gotta get on the run again
I saw the one thing that I want
Hell bent, get outta bed

~ Ryan Star, "Brand New Day"


Wow, long week.

First, the shoulder - it's still giving me issues.
Then, the wrist - tendonitis acting up.

All in all not a successful week this week so far.
I think that's why I am thinking about self-esteem.

I can't think of a time when I didn't have low self-esteem. Possibly back when I was still in diapers and didn't give a fig about what my body looked like, you know way before grade-school slapped me around with the idea that I wasn't ever going to be good enough, pretty enough, thin enough or smart enough to be a human being.

Oh, I know, how mellow-dramatic, right? But there it is and like I said before, I'm still trying to recover from it - to accept that this is me.

I know a lot of you probably have the same problem. You look in the mirror and think "geez, again today. this is what I have to deal with. this is what I have to work with. it's never going to get any better." I do this as well - daily. Then I always focus on what I consider one of my crowning glories - ironically enough that'd be my hair. No matter what the length, color, style....it's always been gorgeous and enviable.

Wow, Trisha, that's an ego-trip right there!
Well, yes it is! I'd say it's because I have fairly little to have an ego about - my ass is huge, my stomach is saggy, I have tiny boobs and my feet are canoes (I wouldn't say boats as they're thin, but loonnngg - ie, canoes). But my hair...*swishes*

Anyway, the ego-hit - I weighed myself this morning.
I wasn't going to share this, but I have some thoughts on it and as this is my blog, y'all are gonna hear about it - I gained 2 lbs from last Saturday.

Now, I know there are two thoughts on this development -
1) Sh*t...2 lbs! Omg...you must be doing something WRONG! You totally suck, you fatass!
and
2) Awe...damn. Well, don't give up! And muscle DOES weigh more than fat!

Haha...I'm feeling both of those thoughts at the same time swirling around in my head and I'm going "Okay, enough with the split-personality disorder already!"

Then I thought about it. In the past 2.5 weeks I've done more exercising than I've done in a LONG time. I know I feel better, despite my right arm and wrist trying to kill me - my stomach FEELS smaller to me, my legs don't feel as fatty-lumpy and while my clothes aren't yet fitting too much better, I can sorta "feel" like my body is getting smaller. Yeah, I still look like a brickhouse, but at least I'm feeling less like a brick-SHIT-house.

I also had a stern talking-to with myself (I can be a snarky bitch, let me tell you!) and asked, "You know you haven't been doing what you NEED to do - sure the exercising is helping, but what about the food you've been eating? Be HONEST with yourself - you've been having ice cream, sure it's those lil tiny 10/$5.00 ones, but it's still ice-cream instead of those nifty frozen-fruit bars, you've been snacking on bad things at work and you've been overeating at dinner...so are you really doing all you need to do?"

And all I can think is that the answer is an unequivocal "NO." That's honesty right there, folks.

And again while this causes even MORE self-hate (which brings me right back to wanting ice-cream), thus lowering my self-esteem, it does make me look at myself and say, "Hey, it's okay. But keep this in mind - you have to do better...but I still love you and we can try again tomorrow."

So there it is - despite the low self-esteem, I still love me. I still want what I wanted back when I lost 5.4 lbs and now when I gained 2 lbs of it back.  As long as I keep loving me, I can keep talking to myself, giving myself pep-talks, building my own ego and self-esteem, and even when I have bad days letting myself know that it's okay because tomorrow IS a brand new day.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Fat Bottom Girls You Make The Rockin' World Go 'Round!

Damn straight we do!

Tho I think I'm on the way to losing my fat bottom. A friend of mine, though, told me years ago that my ass is kinda really flat - there's no impressive buddunk-a-dunk bubble-shelf there. As I never look at my ass, I think I'll believe her.

The last couple of days have been kind of crazy.

Saturday night/Sunday morning our window a/c unit died a horrible, screaming, dying death (deader than dead, ma'am) and woke me out of a sound, nightmare laced dream. Not sure what I was dreaming about but as I'm currently reading the last book in Nora Roberts' "Sign of Seven" trilogy (fire, blood, deep dark scary woods, flaming-hot sex) it wouldn't surprise me if running into a tree while people died screaming in blood-baths around me had anything to do with it. Anyway, that meant that sleeping? Not so much.

Was up early on Sunday morning due to the above so I went to bed at around 8:30 on Sunday night. Monday morning I wake up - but only after the alarm goes off twice (didn't hear it), and the cats come up to harass me out of bed (after Mike'd already almost finished his shower). Shewt, who was running late? This girl right here!

But I got my work-out in!!
Why am I so excited about that? Because if you knew me and the lazy factor and the way I am able to talk myself out of what I need to do  you'd know how much of an accomplishment that was. Holy hell, I was dead tired and I could have legitimately said "screw you, exercise! i don't need you today!!" then happily fallen on my face in a dead-slump. BUT, I didn't!

I am constantly amazed at myself for the kind of resilience I keep pulling out of my ass - I am slowly but effectively changing my life! It feels awesome!

Part of what doesn't feel awesome? I've already hurt myself. Yes, you read it right - hurt myself. The rotator-cuff in my right shoulder seems to be against this whole exercise thing. Last night I avoided sleeping on my right side all night (uh, I sleep on my right side, folks - fun fact!) so again today could have been a "screw this!!" kind of day, but I reminded myself that riding the bike doesn't, in fact, involve my arms (do you know how heavy a Kindle is?!) so I needed to get my shit up and go!

So get up my fat ass I did - and you know what? After I'm all done for the day? It feels good!

This fat ass is gettin' it done, kids!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Guess who lost 5.4 lbs in 2 weeks?!

This girl! :D

Yes, I'm down to 350.0 lbs. No shitting you!
And my arms? Getting fabulous!

Okay, let's be honest. The 5am working-outs SUCK, but after some thought and discussion with friends throughout the week and over the past few days I've decided that even though Mondays suck hard-core (who created Mondays anyway??) that early in the morning is the only way I can work-out. It's by far the best time for me to do so because working out is by far the most disgusting part of my day! Get it over and it's OVER - I recommend it!

I've also found, too, that I feel better about myself after working out. All those endorphins - Mikey's safe! ("Working out creates endorphins - endorphins make people happy - happy people just don't kill their husbands!" ~ Legally Blond)

Anyway, I've been listening to another motivational song this week - Pink's "God is a DJ" - and one particular part always strikes me as important:

You take what you get and you get what you give
I say don't run from yourself, man, that's no way to live


How very true that is!
I was given a very fat-ass body and up until a couple weeks ago I had chosen not to do anything with it. I'm also very tall for a chick.

Oh, a little more on me, cuz I can't remember if I told y'all...

I'm 6' tall - that's in bare feet, no socks!!

I've been tall all my life. In 5th grade I was taller than my TEACHER. My school-mates treated me like garbage because of my height - constantly teased and harassed, I had absolutely NO chance at being normal. Boys? Yeah, not so much - and some of them were very cute! But none would ever have asked me out or approached me with anything but disdain and hate. It's amazing I'm as well-adjusted as I am, huh??

So that's what I've been given. Believe me, it's taken YEARS for me to semi-get-over it  - I'm not obviously completely over it - don't think I ever will be.  I've been given the early part of my life and while I'm trying to move on from it, I'm also not trying to run from it.

Running from yourself? Never going to happen. Ever. You're stuck in your body, folks.

I'm stuck in MY body.
 Every day, though, I think I'm becoming more and more okay with it.

This upcoming week will be the same as last week - 20 minutes on the stationary and then 15 reps of all the various weight stuff I do plus the few crunches I can crank out (around 10 right now). I wanted to give the 20 minute time-frame a bit longer mostly because it sucked so much for the first couple of days last week AND because I think if I don't increase things too quickly I'll be good.

Food, though?
Ugh. Time for some confessions - I suck at regulating my food intake. I love food! I'm a foodie! If I had the time/inclination/energy (ha!) I'd have become a pastry chef - just think about it! Layers of whipped cream, cake, chocolate, fudge (that word just promotes yumminess), pastries, frosting, omg....

But!
I did find that even though I'm sucking at the food-type decisions, I'm definitely eating less. Examples? Yesterday I went to the chinese buffet near work for lunch - I willfully chose not to get any kind of rice/pasta, I picked up a little chicken n' broccoli, a little beef n' mushrooms and then I had some sweet and sour pork. When I got done eating (which I did slowly b/c I didn't take time off for lunch) I wasn't completely stuffed like I usually am! And I was comfortable. Not full - I could have eaten more, but happy enough with what I had!

Another example? Last weekend we went to Tip Top (fave local joint for us to eat) and I ordered the french fries  and a chili dog - ate the chili dog, oh yes, but the fries? Not so much. I was full.

The point here? I think I'm slowly learning how far and how much I can go with my body before I say enough - like, I'm finally getting the signals from my stomach that says, "Hey, you're full, idiot!" It's a good feeling!

Here is the pic for the dress for the wedding in August, btw:




Pretty, no?

Back to the song - it means to move past the crap you've had to deal with, move forward with what you got, don't focus on the fast, but glorify yourself in your future. That's what I'm trying to do - so I'm going to do -

If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor...
Get your ass on the dance floor!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

It's time to get up! It's time to get up!

We're all in our places with bright shiny faces!...

That's a little ditty my mom used to sing to my brother, Chris, and I to get us up and around in the morning. I always thought it was a little silly and I don't know where it comes from but the other day I found myself singing it to Mikey (the husband) and I realized that I'll probably end up singing it to my kids. I like that thought a lot.

The past few days has been a bit of an awakening.
I should tell you all I'm down 3 lbs, by the way.
The awakening is that I can probably do this! After only ONE WEEK (and a day or two - I've been lazy about posting, I realize) my arms already have more definition and when I lift my arms the flab on the edge of my arms where they meet my shoulders has been slowwwwly disappearing.

I'm very impatient, I should tell all of you that now.
So far my pants still fit kinda tight, I still have a gut (I KNOW it's been only a week + a few days, but did I mention I'm impatient??) and I stilllllll HATE getting my big ass up in the morning!

BUT....but...hmmmm...there's that obnoxious word, but...funny that it's also butt...ha..

Anyway, as you probably know I'm trying to find inspiration. I love my baby outfit and it's working! I pet the lil feetie when I get really tired of my butt falling asleep on the stationary. However, I did realize I have something else to look forward to - a friend of mine is getting married in August and I needed a pretty dress for it. I went through my options - one of my addictions is buying pretty dresses - and I remembered I had a pretty one in the back of my closet that I haven't worn since my graduation (I graduated in 2009 - that's another topic I may ramble about at some point) because it was always a little tight across the bust.

My boobs aren't big.

So I put it in the back of the closet after graduation and despaired of ever wearing it again. The dress is black with turquoise straps and detailing at the top and a white swhirly pattern at the bottom. It didn't fit right. The umpire was too tight when I sat down, I can't wear a bra with it so I can't fill it out and it just wasn't comfortable.

I tried it on the other day - it still isn't.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut (ha!) I have faith that it could! So, we'll see.

So good morning, sweet-cheeks - I'm so glad I finally started getting up! 

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I Was Born This Way, Baby!

There is a song that's been going around the radio stations a lot lately and was covered on a recent episode of Glee (yes, I'm a Gleek, deal with it). If you've been living under a rock (and I know, some of you do - rock may equal house in your parent's basement - no shame in that, where you live is where you live) you may not have heard it. The song is vaguely reminiscent of Madonna back when she was Madonna (let's not argue here, people...the woman should have quit when she was ahead) and has a poppy back-beat that's fun to groove to. The lyrics, however, send a powerful, very important message. Here are the truncated lyrics:


[Intro:]
It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'cause you were Born This Way, Baby

[Verse:]
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

[Chorus:]
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

[Post-chorus:]
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

[Verse:]
Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

[Bridge:]
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi,
lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.

Every time I hear this song, I think to myself "I WAS born this way! I need to remember that this is the body and the life I was given - it's what I DO with it that counts!" Then it reminds me that what I am doing IS important - changing my life and hopefully for the better.

My parents have offered to buy me a ticket on a cruise with them when they go again in a couple years if I can reach and maintain this goal. I think at this point it's entirely doable. Then again, I have a ton of positive energy flowing through my veins from just having worked out. There may be something to this endorphin thing.

Yesterday morning I woke up and thought, "Today, as a gift to myself, I'm not going to work out." And I didn't! I took a day off! But....at the same time I felt like I was cheating myself; like I was missing something. An ex of mine said it only takes 12 days of repeating a behavior for it to become a "habit" or "routine". It took me only 5 days.

So today I worked out. I added some weights, did 10 crunches (will STAY 10 until next weekend) and tomorrow I'll up my time on the bike to 20 minutes.

Another thing I was thinking about (rambling, I know I am) was Weight Watchers. I resigned up about 2 months ago on that "3 months for x $$ plan" then about $20/month thereafter. Last time I was on WW I was very dedicated - I wanted to make it work and I wanted to learn what my "food mistakes" were. This time? Not so much. I think it's because this time I KNOW what I need to do (and not to do - nachos yesterday and danishes today) and I'm going to endeavor every day to do it right.

Every day is a journey.

A few days ago an internet friend of my suggested buying something and putting it in my work-out area that would help me focus and concentrate on my goal. She has a dress she bought (I don't know how long ago) that's her "goal" size. Well, this is my goal - I bought it awhile ago for a friend of mine, but I forgot to send it (sorry, Jamie) and then fell in love with it. It's got a cute lil bunny butt. Here's the pic:

Photobucket

So, that's my goal. And hopefully it will remind me that this is why I'm getting up at 5am. Everyone cross your fingers for me! :D

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Phenomenal Woman, That's Me

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I`m not cute or built to suit a fashion model`s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I`m telling lies.
I say,
It`s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I`m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That`s me. 

I love this poem - seriously. It says a lot about how women SHOULD view themselves instead of how society views them. It was written by Maya Angelou, just so that we have that crediting thing out of the way. ;)

Today has been another day of ooo, oooh and hmm.

Tho today was the first day in this week where I haven't had to scream "BABIES" at myself while working out - that sounds like progress to me! Okay, at least on the exercise front. The food front? Not so much - Chipotle, Peanut M&M's and Pizza. Ugh.

Tho I did only have 2 pieces of pizza and 2 cheesy bread-sticks.

Gimme a break, folks, it's been 4 days!

However, I'm trying not to beat myself up over this....thing.

How am I doing this whole process, you ask?

Well, first exercise - part of my problem is that my metabolism has about as much energy as a 10 watt lightbulb. As most of you know if you don't have a fast-working metabolism you have a lead butt trying to grow bigger. Yeah, the imagery there is a bit messed up, but you get my point - my metabolism SUCKS.

So, to begin...

This week, week 1, I'm doing 15 minutes of biking (moderate speed) on our stationary bike. It's sitting in my living room, so I might as well use it, huh? ;) Then I plop my butt on my floor and I do arm curls, lifts and tricep lifts (over-my-head) with a 5lb weight (15 reps in each position). Doesn't sound like a lot, you say? Yeah, try to dead-lift that puppy on your back up over your head...then you tell me how "a lot" it feels. -.-

Week 2 - increase time on the bike to 20 minutes, increase reps to 20, add in *GROOOOOOOANNNN* Crunches!
Did I mention that I started my period this week? Yeah, Trisha + beginning crunches on the first week of my period? HELL-TO-THE-NO!

Now, for the naysayers out there - "don't you need to workout, like, an hour per day to see any differences?!" 

The easy answer? No.

The longer, more complicated answer?
The point is to gradually increase my activity - ANY activity at this point is better than absolutely nothing I had been doing. GRADUALLY because I have arthritis in my knees - moderate, per the doctor - so I'd like to NOT hurt myself, hmmm k?

This is hard. It's SO hard. Several of my wonderful friends on my Facebook are facing this struggle as well - we all have days that suck and we all have days that make us want to rejoice. Right now, it's kinda sucking - I'm not going to lie. However, I know that if I step on the scale on Saturday morning (my planned "checking" day) and I've lost even ONE pound I will be SO.PROUD. of myself! 

So maybe I should keep my sights on Saturdays? Yeah, that's a good idea right there.

Anyway, back to the poem bit at the beginning...

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I`m not cute or built to suit a fashion model`s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I`m telling lies.
I say,
It`s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I`m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That`s me. 


That IS me.
I am a phenomenal woman. The reach of my arms is enough to encircle the ones I love, the span of my hips attracts and keeps my husband's attention (he's a butt guy), my lips give kisses happily and lovingly. I am a woman. A phenomenal woman. 


Yup, that's me.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Ahh....5am, how I've missed thee. NOT.

Okay, so, this is day 3 of this new "goal" thing.
It's...not going so hot. It's going better than it could be, but damn, the first week sucks my butt.

Monday was okay...I did a good job with the food thing. Sorta. S'mores Pop-Tarts are the bane of my existence. My husband likes Pop-Tarts. He knows I love S'Mores Pop-Tarts. Thus they appear in my house. -.- I think he opened a new box, though, to feed my hunger. I think I need chocolate.

Tuesday was not good - there was a pot-luck at work. And who thinks it's rude if you don't try everything? ME! I did hold off on 2 hotdogs - only had one. They were tasty. Reminds me...I wonder what we're doing for dinner tonight. >.>

Anyway, a few extra thoughts popped into my head throughout the last two days.

1) I hate 5am. YES, I have been "good" in that regard - I've gotten up at 5am to ride 15 minutes on our stationary bike. Then I drop to the floor and do 15 reps of weights in 3 positions for my arms. I hate my arms. They are hamshanks, ffs! Anyway, 15 curls on each arm. 15 lifts on each arm. 15 over my head. My arms are hurting. But they could be worse!

2) I have to scream "BABIES!" at myself several times through this ~20 minute workout.

And ya know what? Before someone gives me freakin' lip about only doing 20 mins - I'M A FATTY! I'M STARTING OUT SLOW! DEAL WITH IT! -.-

*coughs*

Again, digressing.
I scream "babies" at myself to make sure I remember why I'm doing this. This whole 5am thing.
"Well, why don't you work out in the afternoon, Trisha?"

That's an excellent question, reader!

BECAUSE.
I'd rather work out in the morning - people say it "jump-starts" your metabolism and it's probably the hardest thing I make myself do throughout my day - so why not get it the hell over with? Shewt.

I did weigh myself Monday morning.
355.4
Blah.

Shit happens, I know. Fat shit happens to me, apparently.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.
Did I say I was going to try to type daily? Shewt, people, I have a life besides this! ;)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

This is the first day of the rest of my life. Right?

Hi everyone. My name is Patricia Lynn Tefer Wisebaker and I am morbidly obese.

Well, let's not start there. I'm fat. Not phat - pretty happy and tasty - but fat - ferociously adverse tonnage. Yes, I realize I sound silly but I tend to use humor to temper my anger and frustration with just about everything I deal with.

Anyway, fat. Yes, I am. Most people know this and have come to accept that that's the way I am - always have been. If you look at pics of me as a kid, I've got the thighs, even though I wasn't yet "fat". I have always been tall.

Currently I stand at 6 ft tall and 350+ lbs. I'll update this later as I'm still trying to come to terms with all of this "truth" shit.

Oh, I swear, just so you know.

On to the point of this blog - I need to lose weight. Duh, I know, but it's become a critical-mass kind of situation. Here's some more truth - I'm infertile. Well, as good as. Doctor doesn't think it's my weight *primarily* but it is possible that my weight is a contributing factor.

I'm also on the road to a great big case of diabetes, heart disease, cholesterol issues....shewt, you name it I'm aiming for the experience.

I don't really WANT to do that, though.

Despite what the public thinks, fat people don't WANT to be fat. We didn't become fat overnight  - it happens gradually. You're going along one day at a time then all the sudden BAM you're fat! So why does the public expect that we're going to go thin instantly by just doing diet and exercise? Why do people think that shoving nutrition advice down our throats is going to make us WANT to be healthier?

Boys n' girls, as a fat person speaking to you guys - I know for fucking SURE that it's a matter of fighting against ourselves - so do NOT be all pissed when we finally admit we have a problem! Do NOT act like we're stupid because, speaking personally, I'M NOT. I KNOW what I should be doing, I KNOW what I need to do.

So why not do it?
That's a good question. A very good question.
Like I said, it's a fight, daily against my own self. I often feel like I'm an alien in my own body - how did I gain all this weight? How did I get bigger? I don't know that, either.

But now I have a goal and so, the point of this blog - 100 by 35.

I'm 33 years, 5 months and some days old.
I have set a goal for myself. The goal is this - to lose 100lbs by the time I turn 35 in December of 2012.

This blog is the first step in the journey - I'm a writer, it's time to write all this shit down.

So, since I've assailed your eyes for long enough, that's enough for today. Wish me luck people - the exercising starts tomorrow!