I've stayed in one place for too long
Gotta get on the run again
I saw the one thing that I want
Hell bent, get outta bed
~ Ryan Star, "Brand New Day"
Wow, long week.
First, the shoulder - it's still giving me issues.
Then, the wrist - tendonitis acting up.
All in all not a successful week this week so far.
I think that's why I am thinking about self-esteem.
I can't think of a time when I didn't have low self-esteem. Possibly back when I was still in diapers and didn't give a fig about what my body looked like, you know way before grade-school slapped me around with the idea that I wasn't ever going to be good enough, pretty enough, thin enough or smart enough to be a human being.
Oh, I know, how mellow-dramatic, right? But there it is and like I said before, I'm still trying to recover from it - to accept that this is me.
I know a lot of you probably have the same problem. You look in the mirror and think "geez, again today. this is what I have to deal with. this is what I have to work with. it's never going to get any better." I do this as well - daily. Then I always focus on what I consider one of my crowning glories - ironically enough that'd be my hair. No matter what the length, color, style....it's always been gorgeous and enviable.
Wow, Trisha, that's an ego-trip right there!
Well, yes it is! I'd say it's because I have fairly little to have an ego about - my ass is huge, my stomach is saggy, I have tiny boobs and my feet are canoes (I wouldn't say boats as they're thin, but loonnngg - ie, canoes). But my hair...*swishes*
Anyway, the ego-hit - I weighed myself this morning.
I wasn't going to share this, but I have some thoughts on it and as this is my blog, y'all are gonna hear about it - I gained 2 lbs from last Saturday.
Now, I know there are two thoughts on this development -
1) Sh*t...2 lbs! Omg...you must be doing something WRONG! You totally suck, you fatass!
and
2) Awe...damn. Well, don't give up! And muscle DOES weigh more than fat!
Haha...I'm feeling both of those thoughts at the same time swirling around in my head and I'm going "Okay, enough with the split-personality disorder already!"
Then I thought about it. In the past 2.5 weeks I've done more exercising than I've done in a LONG time. I know I feel better, despite my right arm and wrist trying to kill me - my stomach FEELS smaller to me, my legs don't feel as fatty-lumpy and while my clothes aren't yet fitting too much better, I can sorta "feel" like my body is getting smaller. Yeah, I still look like a brickhouse, but at least I'm feeling less like a brick-SHIT-house.
I also had a stern talking-to with myself (I can be a snarky bitch, let me tell you!) and asked, "You know you haven't been doing what you NEED to do - sure the exercising is helping, but what about the food you've been eating? Be HONEST with yourself - you've been having ice cream, sure it's those lil tiny 10/$5.00 ones, but it's still ice-cream instead of those nifty frozen-fruit bars, you've been snacking on bad things at work and you've been overeating at dinner...so are you really doing all you need to do?"
And all I can think is that the answer is an unequivocal "NO." That's honesty right there, folks.
And again while this causes even MORE self-hate (which brings me right back to wanting ice-cream), thus lowering my self-esteem, it does make me look at myself and say, "Hey, it's okay. But keep this in mind - you have to do better...but I still love you and we can try again tomorrow."
So there it is - despite the low self-esteem, I still love me. I still want what I wanted back when I lost 5.4 lbs and now when I gained 2 lbs of it back. As long as I keep loving me, I can keep talking to myself, giving myself pep-talks, building my own ego and self-esteem, and even when I have bad days letting myself know that it's okay because tomorrow IS a brand new day.
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