Insert Witty Title Here

Current weight: 345
(-3.6lbs)

Yesterday I turned 34.
Now if you're all doing the math with me, that means I have exactly 1 year to reach this ridiculous goal.
Okay, not ridiculous, more...crazy? Unachievable?

Eh, possibly.
But remember that talk about setting shorter goals? Yeah, that's what I've learned about myself. I'm talking EVERY DAY SETTING A GOAL.
Even if it's the same goal over and over and over...well, you get the drift.

So my goal for TODAY - eating 1 serving of anything - including my b-day cake (got it from DQ - it's tradition - bite me - should take 100 years to finish the darn thing). Also, to stick to my goals below...

My goal for this WEEK - being "good" with food until Xmas; working out DAILY; drinking water/Crystal Light; avoiding anything with caffeine (coffee, Starbucks Peppermint Mocha, diet soda); avoiding anything with carbonation.

My favorite diet thing of the day?
Cuties Oranges. I think they're oranges. Anyway, they're the size of a hacky-sack ball, easy-peasy to peel, they DO have seeds, tho (figured that one out the hard way), but they're WAY tasty. And a great snack to snag for work or school or whatever. :)

So that's me for the week, folks. 96.4lbs to go...argh.

One week from today.

One week from today I turn 34.
I admit right here and right now that I suck.
I had a plan, I followed the plan, minor setbacks and I lost the plan.

All the followers here of 100x35, I apologize.
But I'm not going to dwell.
I admitted my suckiness and now I'm going to attempt to move on.

My current weight: 348.6
Yes, I've gained it all back. I feel vaguely like sausage again in my own clothes.
But again, I'm going to attempt not to dwell.

I think that when our insurance put a kibosh on our IVF attempt, my psyche got beat to crap, so I just gave up. Now I need to find small goals - attainable ones in shorter time-frames that have nothing to do with the ability for myself to bear kids. It's hard to not be wrapped around something I was so intensely wrapped around for so long. Years, really.

Now my long-term goal is to feel better in the morning when I get up; to not have aches and pains usually earned by people 20+ years my senior; to look better in my clothes; to stop feeling like such a fat-ass.

Short term is the end of the month - a holiday party where I may wear a pretty dress.
Next month, I want to show my mom some improvement in my health and some improvement in my looks, too. Hell, to be completely honest, it's not about her - it's about getting thru the holidays w/out overeating, while at the same time loosing weight and celebrating with a well-earned meal at Melting Pot. What can I say? Even while loosing weight, I'm food motivated. I can't say that's a horribly bad thing.

Anyway, help me by sticking by me, readers. I'm going to try to keep my promise - I have 373 days to lose 100 lbs (isn't Google amazing?). Wish me luck!

Wow, been awhile...

Okay, so..hmmm.
I've been having a lot of thoughts over the past few weeks.

I've lost the love of me. I think that's why I'm having so many problems getting into the swing of things again. I'm maintaining most of the weightloss I've achieved, but I've been unwilling...well, not unwilling..more...unwanting...to continue with this whole thing. I'm ashamed to admit it to you guys, much less to myself.

Having said that, though, I know I have to continue. I believe part of my reticence is with our elliptical - I'm still not sure I like it. I think there is a solution to this, something I'm going to work on and I'll tell you folks later if I can get it rigged, but yeah.

So, anyway, I'm still here...there are some things I need to work out in my own head...but I hope to post again soon. 

Sláinte!

Elliptical of EVIL

19 minutes

-60 minutes

- 41 minutes

Oh, so not doing 41 minutes between now and tomorrow - BUT! - I will try to get in another 3 minutes, which is what I'm up to on this horrid machine. HOWEVER - I'm also "getting over it" faster than I was - it took me 10 minutes of heavy breathing and sweating (god I WISH it was sex) before I felt "normal" again. After my 3 minute session (3 minutes last night and 2.5 minutes the night before - I'm gettin' betta!) this morning (god, 5am shouldn't exist!!) it only took me about 6 minutes to get over it. -.-

This is going to be  a wayyyyy slower process than I thought, BUT I will get there!

Or it'll kill me.

Guess which thought is winning at the moment?

Hope you guys can stick by me through this....

^.^

10.8 minutes

-60 minutes

-49.2 minutes

Yah, baby!

A new goal to motivate me...

I needed it - a goal that is.

So the elliptical is a torture device.
After only 2.5 minutes I'm breathing heavily and my thighs are burning.
But it gave me a couple thoughts.
The first is that "wow, you are SOOOO not in shape! omg, woman!"
but the second was my goal!

Starting now, my goal is to do 60 minutes/week on this thing. Until I can get used to it. And to graddddddualllllyyyy increase my resistence.

Before I explain, this is my work so far -

5.8 minutes

-60 minutes

-54.2 minutes

The blue number is what I've done so far for the "week".

The red number is what I've got left to do.

This will be changed as I update my blog.

And a 3rd thought - it makes my damn achy joints go quiet. w00t!

Eating? Yeah, not doing so well - but like I keep saying, every moment is a moment that's available for change! 

So even though I had baked ravioli at Fazoli's today, I wasn't a fan so I only ate 1/3rd of it - it's something I'm trying to teach myself: don't eat it if you don't like it or are satisfied.

Satisfy me, people!

Oh this is definitely going to be a love-hate relationship

The elliptical is in!
I was on it for 50 seconds last night.
2.5 minutes today.
I think I may die.
Omg.

I got more exercise in that 2.5 minutes than I have in the entire group of days I was on the bike.

Love - it makes my heart beat and makes me SWEAT.

Hate - even on "no" resistance (well, resistance 1) it's going to take a bit to get used to it.

Tonight, I'll attempt to add to my overall elliptical log.

But I am not too proud to say I'm afraid of that fecker. Omg.

Sweat on!!

Food, too.

Breakfast -
2 WW mini breakfast burritos - not too bad; the sausage is a little spicy.

Snack -
a croissant
& some cheese - not the greatest snack and believe me, I learned my lesson.

Lunch -
leftover cod fillet from last night
leftover spinach from last night - a very healthy, balanced lunch; not filling of course, but so what?

Snack -
a chocolate covered cherry

Dinner -
an 8oz sirloin steak
a salad
a baked potato w/butter & sour cream

So that was my food today.
Not great, but definitely not good.

Oh, and yesterday - I had a medium DQ blizzard. I paid for that as well, believe me. Turns out I'm becoming peanut-sensitive. w00t, right?

Otherwise, the new elliptical will be put together tomorrow and the torture will begin!

Let's Start At The Very Beginning...A Very Good Place To Start

Current Weight: 343 lbs (yay? at least I haven't gained it all back...)

Breakfast:
- 90 Calorie Granola Bar - if you're in this area, you can get 'em at Giant Eagle cheap; they're chocolate chunk, smallish, but tasty!
- Pina Colada Yogurt - from Yoplait. This flavor Mikey picked up; not sure about it, may not eat it all.

Snack:
- 1 pluot - this is an interesting little fruit, if you've not tried them they're probably in your grocer's case now. It is a hybrid of a plum (plu-) and an apricot (-ot) and has a plummy flavor, but a little bit of sweetness that you don't get in a normal plum.

Lunch:
- Homemade Lasagna - soooo tasty. Be jealous, seriously. Not really diet-conscious, but omg so good - and I know exactly what went into it. ;)
- a can of regular Mountain Dew - I know I know...but now my headache has abated!

Snack:
- 1 chocolate-covered cherry - I've been doing really well by eating one of these bad-boys per day. It totally satisfies my chocolate-lust and gives me a "dessert" that's so tasty, and I only need one!

Dinner:
- 1 cod fillet - made with crush Ritz crackers and egg; lightly browned
- veggies of some sort - this will be worked out later

Throughout the day I'll also be drinking a ton of Crystal Light (my favorite is fruit punch and probably a glass of white cranberry juice with dinner.

So, what's the title all about?
I'm kinda having to start over. Mostly because of this 'hiatus' from exercise I've been on. Since the last time I wrote things have changed. I'm no longer making it my goal to be healthy during a pregnancy because I'll probably never get pregnant. There's been a lot of personal stress surrounding that - mostly because we're gearing up for adoption stuff.

Our first meeting regarding adoption is on 09/13 - with a lawyer that specializes in adoption. We have lots of questions to ask her - it looks like the first thing we have to do is a home-study. That won't start, though, until probably around January - we're hoping our roommate Beth will be accepted to Kent State and with that a move into the dorms for her so we have room again to set up a kid's room.

09/17 we'll be meeting up with an adoption agency here in Akron - going to their information meeting.

09/23 (? - have to double-check this) we're going to the info meeting with Summit County Child Protection Services.

A lot of stress = depression = food cravings = me eating food.

Thank God I realize that, huh?

Anyway, I'm starting over. No structured exercising for a few days - we have to get the elliptical put together - but tonight it's crunches and weights.

I'm alive, folks...

18 Wheeler

Can't keep me down, down
Can't keep me down
No you can't keep me down
I said you can't keep me down

Hey, hey, man! What's your problem?
I see you tryin' to hurt me bad
Don't know what you're up against
Maybe you should reconsider
Come up with another plan
Cuz you know I'm not that kinda girl
That'll lay there and let you come first 

(Chorus)

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run me over with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give up
You can treat me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run me over with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, girl! Are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword?
Cuz it's time to play the games
You are beautiful
Even though your not for sure
Don't let him pull you by the skirt
You're gonna get your feelings hurt

(Chorus x 2)

Everywhere that I go
There's someone waitin' to chain me
Everything that I say
There's someone tryin' to short change me
I am only this way
Because of what you have made me
And I'm not gonna break!

(Chorus x2)

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run me over with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give up
You can treat me like a slave
I'll go underground (I'll go underground, ground, ground ground..)
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down (Can't keep me down!!!)

If you can't tell, I take a lot of strength, encouragement and power from Pink; she is, I think, one of the greatest women to come out of my generation. I'm finding a lot of strength right now particularly from this song - as a mantra to keep myself going even when I feel like a total failure.

These past few days?
Definitely failure-days.
Right now I'm feeling like an 18 wheeler....

Part of the reason I started this journey is because Mike and I were planning on trying IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization) this month. I wanted to be healthier, be more aware of my body, have more awareness of self, before I got pregnant.

Unfortunately, if you follow me on FaceBook, you  know by now that we are not going to be trying IVF.

Of course, I'm terribly disappointed. I'm angry with God. I'm angry with life.
Or...I was.

After some discussion, Mike and I have decided to try for adoption.
After some discussion, we feel...I feel...like this is the best thing to do for us - and really, in our hearts, this feels like the RIGHT decision.
I feel like this is the right decision.

My father is adopted - his adoptive mother (I never met his adoptive father) was an absolutely wonderful woman. I admire and respect her a great deal and I only hope that I can be as good a mother to my children as she was to him and his sister (also adopted).

Now, though, I need a new goal for my weightloss.
Sure, it's all well and good be healthy (BORING!) and so forth, but I like goals. I like having a "reason".
So here is my new "goal" - to be sexy in a swimsuit!

And guess what? We've decided to buy an elliptical - kill me now. ;)

My Daily Food Log - 08/24

So, starting yesterday - ended up not having the spaghetti, but having mac n' cheese and juice instead of milk.

Breakfast:
- a granola bar
- yogurt

Snack:
- a peach

Lunch:
- leftover mac n' cheese
- diet Pepsi

Dinner:
- chicken, mushrooms n' noodles
- juice

Snack:
- Rice Chex (<3) w/1% milk

Don't have much else to say....

Did I Tell You About My Swiss-Cheese Memory?

It occured to me last night that I didn't really address the title of my last blog - The Importance of Being Earnest. Okay, I did reference it a little in the first paragraph, but here are the REST of my thoughts on that whole thing (cuz I find that I sometimes run away with my tangents...I apologize in advance).

It's important to be truthful throughout this process.
Truth.
Not sorta-covered-over-white-lies.
No, truth.

I find that I'm definitely not honest about what I eat.
This past spring I joined Weight Watchers for the 2nd time in my adult life. I found that while I hated having to always count the points and diddle around with "hey, can I eat this? no? can i substitute it with this? yes? omgmyhairisonfire!!! how many points will THAT be?!" it DID teach me a little about how truthful I am about what I put in my body.

Which is to say that I wasn't being truthful.

I have said in past blog posts that I don't eat as much as most people - and that still holds true - but what KINDS of food, well, that's a whole other ball-game.

So this is my pledge -
I'm going to go back to tracking what I eat - truthfully - every day. I'm going to do it here in this blog. Be warned this may be ALL I post for the day (but I'm a chatty lil thing, so don't bet your last $100 on it) but at least that way I'm being truthful not only to MYSELF but to you as well.

Please forgive me, though, the commentary I add to what I eat, cuz yeah, sometimes it's gonna be bad.

So here we go!

Breakfast:

-- small Coke
-- bacon, egg & cheese bagel from McD's (tho I did take off the egg half-way thru - how on EARTH to they have the NERVE to call that stuff "egg"?!)

Lunch:

-- 1 piece of cheese-bread & 2 medium pieces of ham & mushroom pizza from last night's dinner (I know, I know - but I only ate 2 pieces of cheese-bread last night and 2 pieces of pizza; I was starving from yesterday >.> However, I DID have a salad with dinner! I even had pickled beets.)

Dinner:

-- Spaghetti
-- glass of milk
-- 2 slices of garlic bread

Anyone else seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the pattern here?
Time to start cutting out on bread/pasta, I think. This is ridiculous. -.-


OH OH OH!
And before I forget again!
Looking for more inspiration from real people?? But not from the over-done, under-fed exercise gurus that make you want to punch their lights out??
My friend has started a blog of her own - so take a peek at Be My Mirror by Heather Stromski!!

The Importance of Being Earnest

So, our Canadian adventure is at an end and all I can say is....thank God!

I mean, don't get me wrong - it was a lovely trip - our friends Tasha and Kev are now happily married (they are seriously so darn cute!) and we had a great time. Wish we would have been there longer, to be honest - but vacations are never long enough, are they?

I was a bad bad girl, though.
I wasn't going to 'fess up - I was just going to let it slide and start up my exercising/dieting and go from there w/out a word about this bad badness, but I kind of find some comfort in confessing my sins. I wasn't raised Catholic, but consider this my "Bless me Father, for I have sinned..." moment.

For I have sinned.
The sin? Gluttony!
And what a beautiful glutton I was!

Okay, so, it COULD have been worse, but it COULD have been a LOT better. Ironically enough, I had more veggies in the past few days than I had had for awhile.

Beginning Friday night, we rolled into Ottawa and went to Tash & Kev's wedding rehearsal dinner - at a hibachi restaurant. For those who had never gone (like us - hibitchin' virgins) it's a restaurant where you sit around these great big grill tables and a chef stands there and prepares the food for you. We had allllll kinds of food - sushi (ack); mushroom broth (like it sounds - yet kinda tasty); tempura (stuff dipped in batter and fried - BAD! RED ALERT!!); a choice of chicken, beef or shrimp (I took the beef & chicken option) and various veggies (onions, mushrooms, zucchini and later, bean sprouts).

I learned two things.
1) I LOVE hibachi! Omg - so much fun!
2) I actually kinda dug the zucchini. I know, right? Weird!

So that was the food excess on Friday night. The end of the meal featured a shot of plum wine (tasty) and a bowl of vanilla ice cream (or orange sherbet - someone has to explain this whole orange-flavored thing - I mean, every "chinese" food restaurant has orange soda then the ubiquitous orange sherbet at the end).

Saturday we pretty much had a normal breakfast (I really tried to eat the oatmeal, but yuck - even with raisins!) but then we waited until about 5:30 for dinner - practically nothing in between. The wedding dinner was steamed veg, baked chicken with some sorta sauce on it (tasty, but unidentified) and rice.

So far, so good!

Then there came a big dessert. Well, several. Then later that night? Yeah, that's when the whole "eat sensible" thing fell through - looking back I realize it wasn't that bad - cuz suddenly appeared lots and lots of tidbits of stuff! Veggies, spinach dip (omg...), cold cuts....and cupcakes!!!!!!

>.>

Someone tell me why cupcakes are so darn tasty???

Anyway, Sunday was a repeat of the grand fete of Saturday night, only in our most comfortable clothes and a continuation of the hors d'ouerves. (Ottawa is Frenchies, dontcha know?) But then....oh then...things began to REALLY fall apart.

Anyone who has had poutine (omg) will understand where I'm coming from.
Cuz I had poutine.
What is poutine, one may ask? Well, first, it's pronounced "poo-teen". Second it's the most beautiful amalgam of  potato, cheese and gravy. Just imagine it! French fries, brown gravy and cheese curds. Omg.
*swoons*

Needless to say, it was a weekend of excessive badness. Of excessive food. Of excessive yumminess.
And now I'm ready to pay with excessive pay-ee-ness.

Ah well, I'm willing to accept the consequences....that's a good thing, right?

Today was one of those days.
I think I'm PMSing and I think that I'm so ready for this vacation.

Oh, yes, tomorrow is my Friday!
On the ACTUAL Friday morning we are all heading up to Ottawa for our darling friends' wedding! Tasha and Kev, I love you two. You're fabulous together and I can't wait to participate in your celebration!

Anyway, today.

PMSing, crabby and feeling rather down on myself.

I went to the Avenue (relaxed-trendy big girl's clothes - not as "old" as Catherines, not as "young" as Lane Bryant - a nice middle-ground for those of us that aren't dead and aren't sluts) tonight to purchase pantyhose.

Pantyhose is always an adventure. Big girls usually look like sausages in pantyhose - hell, Lane Bryant doesn't even CARRY pantyhose in their stores (wtf are they thinking?!) - they carry Spanx.

A thought about Spanx - HELL IN LYCRA! This is hard-packed sausage! Smoked sausage! Non-breathing, non-moving sausage! They are NOT fun and I'm sorry, but their "plus size" options SUCK!

Anyway, back to the pantyhose -
I'm wandering around the store and there's this lady that works there that I recognize the few times I go in and she recognizes me. She says to me, "Hey! You've lost weight!!"

:-D

Oh. My. God!
Someone's noticed!
Despite having not worked out this morning (I'm planning on at least doing my crunches tonight), and feeling like a big fat blob of HORRIBLE today...

That comment made me SO.HAPPY.
Ask Mikey - I was grinning like an idiot!

This just tells me to keep going.
Keep trying.
Keep pushing.

Favorite quote of the day (why not, right?):
"Michelle Bachmann Isn't Satan - Satan Doesn't Have Split Ends!"

Oh, look...something to write about.

I have to say this one thing and then I'll keep my peace.

DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING.
About me.
About the next fatty you see or talk to.
About anyone.

So many thin people out there (even former fatties) assume that my main problem is eating. That obese folk out there just eat and eat and eat - that they're ALL compulsive eaters!

And it pisses me off.
It makes me so angry I want to shake some sense into them.
Why, you ask?

Because I'm NOT a compulsive eater.

Get it right, folks - not all assumptions you make about anything or anyone is going to be correct.
Get over yourselves.

Just the facts, folks.

I know lately I've been incognito.
A few reasons for this...well, here's the rundown.

4 weeks (approx) ago, I got 2 moles removed from my back. Biopsy results were that they are pre-cancerous. That is not sad to me because it's pretty much what I expected. Dr says that there are 3 more he's going to be "watching". Yay.

2 days after the removal of the moles, my period came. Sorry dudes that read this, but I haveta talk about it (I may have before so I apologize for that, too, in advance. I've taken the policy to not read what I've written before if I can avoid it because it depresses me). I had cramps like WOAH. I'm not sure what is/was going on - the weightloss making my body react differently? I don't know. What I do know is that my entire puberty until now I rarely had cramps. This time, I had the in SPADES. -.- Not a happy camper this made Trisha.

So I put off the exercising because of these two events.

Things finally calmed down and while I was doing alright, my back was giving me some problems. You see, I'm allergic to most medical adhesives. We did find a bandaid that did end up working - Top Care, if you're interested - for a full week. Then the night before the stitches were to be removed, Mike removed some skin along with the bandaid. OW. Suddenly had a 5 inch chemical burn across my lower back (it seems my body again said HOLD IT when I had the bandaids on for exactly a full week - Thursday to Thursday - then that night decided it couldn't take them anymore).

As the OW was there, that was fine - the next morning my stitches were removed. However, the infection continued and, well, avoiding all the gross details I'm FINALLY healed up!

This morning I once again resumed the exercising (tho this time I only made it 15 minutes instead of my standard 20 - I'm aiming to exercise again tonight).


But it's been a bad few days.


This upcoming weekend we have a wedding to attend - remember that black dress I wanted to wear? The one with the turquoise and white number? Yeah...no. I tried it on Saturday night and that was the very first time in my entire life I cried BECAUSE of my weight. BECAUSE of my body shape. As you can all imagine this was upsetting to Michael - he's such a wonderful husband and despite the fact he's married to the Great White Whale, he still loves me and thinks me beautiful.


Saturday night, though, despite the great leaps I've made in personal self-esteem, I folded.
I'm not proud of it. I am angry about it, still; I am still still STILL trying to accept myself - accept my body and all it's weird quirks.


And that's mostly the reason I've once again began this climb towards health once again.


Didn't I tell you all it was cyclical?


Welcome to the next round of the cycle. Enjoy.

This Post Brought To You By The Letter Grrr

It's been a rough week, readers.
I haven't exercised, I'm feeling all moo-y, and I have no one to blame but....

Okay, really, this time 'round the reasons are real and irritating. First, Aunt Flo decided to show up, with her she brought extra cramping (unusual for me) and on top of THAT, I have 7-8 tiny stitches in my back. The stitches aren't the problem, but the blessed band-aids ARE. Grr.

So this week I'm taking off. I have a physical on Monday morning so I'm hoping I haven't put myself back TOO horribly far.

I think that I almost HAVE to go through these circular patterns.
I basically shame myself into exercising/eating right, then I do so - do a good job of it, too! - then I am forced to take time off (either I hurt myself, or like now, I end up having some stupid medical thing), then I shame myself...well, you guys get the drift.

The only thing about THIS time 'round is that my "exercising/eating right" time lasted a good lot longer than it has before.

I also like to think that my shame-spiral time will be LESS this time.

I'm also beginning to think that I may need to have my head examined.

Ah well, at the very very very least I'm looking forward to getting my stitches out and hopefully renewing my body efforts.

Wish me luck, folks - 7am Friday morning I can get the stitches out, then back on the wagon!

Well well well, lookee here!

Today has been a good day!

Despite getting up early to work-out as per usual.
Despite not working out in the afternoons like I told myself I was going to do this week.
Despite having my doc dig into my back to remove two possibly cancerous moles.

So why has this been a great, awesome, kick-ass day?!

I'M NOW DOWN 12LBS FROM WHEN I STARTED THIS THING!

That is right, folks! Something I'm doing is FINALLY working! Two weeks ago when I went to the docs office, I was 348.something (I never pay attention to this so I'mma stop lyin' 'bout that right now), BUT TODAY?

344.2!!

I'm not ashamed to say that I haven't been this "light" in almost 5 years.

Sure I'm still the size of a 6-month old elephant, but now I know what I'm doing is kinda starting to work!

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to try to split my work-outs into two segments.
The reason for this? My ASS falls asleep after 20 minutes on the bike. SO, provided we keep the stationary bike, I'll do 20 minutes in the morning, then 20 minutes again at night.

I know some of you may be doubtful of the whole 20-minutes-a-day thing - but NEENER (see above). *coughs* I digress. Anyway, that's the plan. 40 minutes a day = reaching my goal faster.

At least now I have less than 90lbs left to lose!

The Glad Game

I've been sitting here for the past few days staring at the blank screen wondering what I'm going to fill the theoretical "page" with. This has done a few things. First, it proves what I've thought all along - that my Muse is a cheeky little bitch who comes and goes as she pleases. Second, that I'm not proud of what I've been doing lately. And third that if I can't be inspiring to myself, how can I inspire others.

Three thoughts that were formed into a whole the other day when my dad said to me, "I think that you writing your blog is a kind of therapy for you."

My parents and brother have been enjoying my blog, along with a few other friends, so that prompts me to want to continue writing. I think I agree that is therapy - sure what I have to say may not have a lot of value or may bore my readers (the few I have) but at least it's not in my head anymore.

I just don't really have much to say right now, I don't think - keep reading, maybe that will be fixed.

I do have some good news on the weight-loss front, surprisingly - despite the fact that it's a week before my period, my dieting efforts seem to have finally taken SOME effect - I'm now at 348.6lbs. As most of you have read, I started out around 356lbs, so since I began this journey I've lost about 8lbs. Not a really stellar performance, I realize, but definitely a very small, minimal, tiny, microscopic improvement.

I tried on the dress I'm going to be wearing to my friend's wedding and I think I'm now back to my 2009 weight because it fits again, but just about as well as it did before, which wasn't great. Ah well, I still have about 3 weeks before the trip.

Next weekend Mike (my darling spouse) and I will be going to Sears to possibly pick out a new piece of gym equipment. As I've said before, we've got a stationary bike right now which is great, but the only problem is that it ate those gigantic batteries like they were candy, but even with the batteries, the electronics were starting to get a little screwed up. Now you can't do any kind of training programs on it and you can't adjust tension (there is still a little tension regardless of being battery-less, so it's still a bit of a workout).

We're looking at possibly getting an elliptical or a recumbent bike - that's the other issue with the stationary - our backs don't like us; they're protesting. We both work through the protests, but our asses are also falling asleep. Rather, MY ass is falling asleep. Along with other important bits of my anatomy. >.> Not really conducive to the exercise effort.

Anyway, the Glad Game (see, I TOLD you guys I'd find something to yammer on about).
If you've ever seen the Disney movie "Pollyanna" you'll know what the Glad Game is - you look for something good in every situation, regardless of the craptastictude the situation. For those that haven't seen the movie, well, that is the drift of my thoughts - that I need to find something GOOD about all this sweat equity.

I guess the biggest thing I'm Glad about is that as much as I hate working out, as much as I HATE sweating and as much as I LOATHEEEEEE working out at the ass-crack of dawn...well, I have to admit that it makes my day better. At least for an hour or two I feel -good- about myself. I guess Elle was right - "Endorphins make you happy...." and as you all know, Mike should be a happy man because, "Happy people just don't kill their husbands!"

So I'm going to continue to try to find things to be Glad about throughout this whole process. Let's keep our fingers crossed that I can keep finding the Glad...cuz right now? It's definitely a struggle.

Been a few days, I know...

Well, a week or longer. It's been a long week.

At work I'm now the 2nd trainer - so I assist the 1st trainer and this week she's on vacation. Makes for a long, kind of hectic day. Tomorrow is going to be particularly rough because I do have regular work to do opposite the training I have to do.

Anyway, enough about work.

Last week I weighed myself on Sunday morning, as is my wont, and once again I hadn't lost weight - I was at 350.6. I thought, "well, I'm sunk..." I was depressed, irritated with myself, etc.

Then on Weds I was weighed for a Drs appointment - 347.6. Odd, right?

Then I weight myself on Saturday (because I wasn't sure if we'd have guests this past Sunday) and sure enough, my scale said 350.4.

It finally dawned on me - maybe I'm NOT to blame for this whole weight thing? Afterall, who gains and loses nearly 3 lbs every other day? NO ONE.

Sounds like I'm going to need a new scale. And maybe this thing is actually working?

The doctor's visit also told me something else - once again they've confirmed that I have the right amounts of hormones, my blood pressure is normal, my sugars are normal and my thyroid is fine. Apparently I'm just a big damn girl!

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Next in my physical redefinition? Moles being removed. Back a few years ago I had 4 removed that showed some precancerous signs, so Dr. is just making extra-sure, I guess. Those get removed on the 28th.

Fast forward to today, after all the past is in the past, right?
I'm still feeling kind of depressed and down. It could just be that time of the month (again?!) but there ya go.

That's the update on me now, folks. Gimme a couple more days...maybe I'll feel entertaining again.

I don't think I've wanted to quit so much...

I'm trying to find the reasons behind it.
Behind wanting to quit and wanting to continue.

I want to quit because I'm lazy, because I don't feel I'm making any (or much) progress, and because I'm tired. I hate getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to torture myself, even if the torture is still only 20+ minutes a day.

Dammit.

But I need to continue.
I need to do this for my as-yet-unknown children. I need to do this so that when I hit 50 I don't get diabetes. I need to do this so that when those children finally finally finally come to be, I won't scare the crap out of them with my health.

Dammit.

My brother and my father have joined me faithfully in this journey. For some reason, fate decreed that all three of us have the same bodies - we're all tall (Dad at one time was 6' 4", I'm 6', and my brother - kinda ironically - is 5' 11.75"), Scandinavian in vague terms (blond) and we all can gain weight by LOOKING at a piece of pie. -.-

My Mom has had her weight struggles, though, too - I sometimes wish I looked like her, though. Maybe more like a girl? I dunno.

However, the difference between the men in my family and me? I'm a chick. Ugh. Ladies out there, you'll sympathize when I say that men don't know how hard they have it. Well, maybe Dad knows - he's fighting against years of himself.

I'm very proud of them, though. I know they're struggling as well.

Last year my brother and his loverly spouse had their first child - Caleb. Dad finally got the message that he needs to be around for Caleb - so that Caleb can know what a wonderful, loving person he is.

My brother realized that keeping up with a toddler is a PITA and he needs to lose the weight to keep his energy up.

I'm still struggling to find a good reason.

"But Trisha, you listed several very very good reasons only a few paragraphs back! What the hell are you talking about, "good reason??" "

I know. I'm an idiot.
*sighs*
I'll keep doing this. I will.
I just wish I could see the difference in the mirror.

There Is An Unfortunate Method To My Madness

Oh, self-discovery, you are not fun and you frankly make me want to punch something in the neck (myself).

That 3 lbs from last week is really weighing on my mind (pun not intended), but at the same time I'm self-sabotaging myself with my old nemesis - my food. On one hand I WANT to eat healthier - do all that happy horse shit that people say to do - eat less, eat more often - healthier snacks, of course - eat naturally, eat smarter, better, do this do that omgdiewitha"t". But dammit, I want cheeseburgers. I want ice cream sundaes, I want cupcakes (you guys have NO idea), I want pancakes, donuts, chocolate!

What am I doing to myself here? I have no idea. The more I try to stop eating bad things, the more I WANT those bad things. A couple of my friends have said, "Hey, don't worry so much about it - if you crave something, there's a REASON, so feed your craving, just don't go crazy!" Uh, no. Cupcakes are gateway drugs for me. Sundaes are a food-addicts dream.

*intones* Hi, my name is Trisha, and I am a food-addict.

But I really don't think that I am! At least, not in the traditional sense. I don't eat all the time. Nor do I want to. I don't think about food all the time, either (well - okay, it is a thought process throughout the day trying to get my husband and my roommate to figure out what the hell to make for dinner).

And that's another thing - I feel like I'm in a pool full of pudding with this healthy eating thing - I'm trying to introduce healthier meals and snacks into the house, but their answer is "Let's get chicken nuggets and tater-tots!!" So a smart-asses answer would be, "Well, eat what YOU want, buy what YOU need, make your OWN meals - don't worry about them!" Have you smart-asses EVER lived in a house with other people? Do you love your families?

Let me explain this thought process to you - my family always ate as a family. Together. Until we got older, at a table. No TV. Sure, we didn't always like the food (Mom, you made fish a four-letter word - but I still love you!), but there was no begging for other food, either. You got what you got and you ate it - you didn't get anything else! You also got 3 foods on your plate - a meat, a veg, and a side. This taught me to a) eat what was given me and LIKE it, b) meal times are important and c) balanced meals are important.

Now, this is a meal at my house right now - two or less foods on the plate, we eat in front of the TV and it's usually inhaled in less than 15 minutes.

While I'd like to change this dynamic, let's return to the pool of pudding analogy, hmm k?

And those of you that say buy my own meals? Are you KIDDING ME?? Yeah, we don't have that much of an income, okay (well, we DO, but that's just obnoxious, imo).

So here I am, fighting myself and the people that I live with - maybe it's time to start a real food fight?

Stuff I Like -

Crystal Light Fruit Punch
Ice Water w/Lemon
100 Calorie Snack Packs (hello, chocolate!)
Frozen Fruit (strawberries n' peaches)

Momma said there'd be days like this...

This morning's weigh-in showed a 3lb inflation (to 353lbs).

I say inflation because that's how I am feeling right now - bloated. Everyone's Aunt that we love to hate (Flo) is due on Thursday, which tells me that I shouldn't be too upset by this uptick in my weight. However, it's making me very depressed, angry and irritated.

It's also telling me that it's time to cut down by half all the food I've been eating. This week is an especially hard one for me each month - I feel like eating a cow every single time. This month I ignored my "diet" and just ate whatever I felt like. Turns out that's not a good thing (duh, I know, spare me). It's just the life-cycle of a Trisha-period, that's all. It does suck, though.

Today, I've decided I need to get tougher on me. No more sodas, only water or Crystal Light. I kinda hate that. Seriously. They bring back Mountain Dew Pitch Black and I haveta stay away? Water is bland! Crystal Light is full of fake stuff and it's bad for you!!

With all of this in mind and with all that I've written in mind, too, I'm going to start adding something to my weekly weigh-ins - recording my measurements! Believe me, it puts things into perspective when you measure your calf and it's almost 2 feet around! So here are the numbers:

Waist: 54 inches
Bust: 53 inches
Calves: 21.5 inches
Thighs: 30.25 inches
Upper Arms: 18.75 inches

So there we go - it's all out in open. Next time there'll be pics, I promise. But understandably I'm not really that thrilled with myself. Though I DID tell Mike (and I believe) that the last time I measured myself (before I ever started this tortuous journey) I think my waist WAS at least 2-4 inches bigger. So maybe I am making my body do something? I dunno.

Also a couple of other things...

1) I'm going to start listing "Trisha's Favorite Things" when it comes to dieting - products and services, stores and so forth that I really like while I'm trying to get this done.

2) If there's anything you guys want to ask please let me know! There is only so much I can talk to myself about myself.

Anyway, my momma said there'd be days like this and oh, boy, she's very right. Now if I could get some BETTER days to come along, that'd be awesome.

Baby, You're a Firework!

You may have noticed that I use a lot of music in my posts. I think music is one of the most moving things that humans have ever come up with - no other animals (and make no mistake - humans ARE animals in all possible ways) consciously make music! Sure, birds sing, but they don't really listen to each other and meld the notes together to make a beautiful whole. I think that if I ever went deaf, I'd cry forever - I love it.

So I use music to inspire me; I use it to move me; I use it to comfort me and it adds salve to my emotional wounds. It also lifts me up - I have been known to tear up! Yes, I'm a dork, but bare with me, please.

The song I'm thinking of today is "Firework" by Katy Perry. Let's be honest here, she's a bunch of teen fluff (who isn't really a teen anymore, but hey, if you know it - sell it, I guess) but this song is very inspiring. Here are the lyrics:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

Well, it goes on from there for a bit. But the important parts? The parts I bolded above!


Now, I didn't start out this thing to be an inspiration to anyone else but myself. I have to tell you I'm a bit naturally selfish. But I can see this whole movement - this whole "100by35" thing inspiring others. I find myself WANTING to be the light...to let myself shine...as I go through this process. At the same time, hello, how egotistical is that?

That's just the thing, though...if I DON'T have some sort of ego throughout this thing, it won't work. I have to find respect in myself, I have to find that sense of ME...I need to have some pride in what I'm doing.

Last Thursday, I'd gained 2 lbs from the Saturday before. Then on Sunday I weighed myself and I'd LOST those 2lbs (for everyone following along, that means I'm at 350). I thought, "How effed up IS this?!" I mean, I'm 350 lbs, people. Holy carp!! However...my arms are getting more muscular, I don't feel as "fat" (even at this particular time of the month >.>)  and I'm feeling very good about myself physically. For the most part. Some times. Anyway...

So, I've also decided that despite the fact that I'm probably like a ton of other people out there (and thus my semi-joking-goal to be an inspiration to other fatties), I AM Original. Hell, no one else even has my name! On the PLANET! Okay, that's a tiny weirdism (?), but darn it, that's how I feel.

Anyway, folks, I just want to leave you with this - as original as I am - YOU ARE, TOO. And I've found my time - this IS my time. So if you're gaining any inspiration from the little bit (comparatively) of rambling I'm doing about my weight and finding some light in it then even if I never lose this 100 lbs (96 now!) at least I've done something and helped you find YOUR light. :) I kinda like that idea.

Let's Open Our Eyes To A Brand New Day

I've stayed in one place for too long
Gotta get on the run again
I saw the one thing that I want
Hell bent, get outta bed
~ Ryan Star, "Brand New Day"


Wow, long week.

First, the shoulder - it's still giving me issues.
Then, the wrist - tendonitis acting up.

All in all not a successful week this week so far.
I think that's why I am thinking about self-esteem.

I can't think of a time when I didn't have low self-esteem. Possibly back when I was still in diapers and didn't give a fig about what my body looked like, you know way before grade-school slapped me around with the idea that I wasn't ever going to be good enough, pretty enough, thin enough or smart enough to be a human being.

Oh, I know, how mellow-dramatic, right? But there it is and like I said before, I'm still trying to recover from it - to accept that this is me.

I know a lot of you probably have the same problem. You look in the mirror and think "geez, again today. this is what I have to deal with. this is what I have to work with. it's never going to get any better." I do this as well - daily. Then I always focus on what I consider one of my crowning glories - ironically enough that'd be my hair. No matter what the length, color, style....it's always been gorgeous and enviable.

Wow, Trisha, that's an ego-trip right there!
Well, yes it is! I'd say it's because I have fairly little to have an ego about - my ass is huge, my stomach is saggy, I have tiny boobs and my feet are canoes (I wouldn't say boats as they're thin, but loonnngg - ie, canoes). But my hair...*swishes*

Anyway, the ego-hit - I weighed myself this morning.
I wasn't going to share this, but I have some thoughts on it and as this is my blog, y'all are gonna hear about it - I gained 2 lbs from last Saturday.

Now, I know there are two thoughts on this development -
1) Sh*t...2 lbs! Omg...you must be doing something WRONG! You totally suck, you fatass!
and
2) Awe...damn. Well, don't give up! And muscle DOES weigh more than fat!

Haha...I'm feeling both of those thoughts at the same time swirling around in my head and I'm going "Okay, enough with the split-personality disorder already!"

Then I thought about it. In the past 2.5 weeks I've done more exercising than I've done in a LONG time. I know I feel better, despite my right arm and wrist trying to kill me - my stomach FEELS smaller to me, my legs don't feel as fatty-lumpy and while my clothes aren't yet fitting too much better, I can sorta "feel" like my body is getting smaller. Yeah, I still look like a brickhouse, but at least I'm feeling less like a brick-SHIT-house.

I also had a stern talking-to with myself (I can be a snarky bitch, let me tell you!) and asked, "You know you haven't been doing what you NEED to do - sure the exercising is helping, but what about the food you've been eating? Be HONEST with yourself - you've been having ice cream, sure it's those lil tiny 10/$5.00 ones, but it's still ice-cream instead of those nifty frozen-fruit bars, you've been snacking on bad things at work and you've been overeating at dinner...so are you really doing all you need to do?"

And all I can think is that the answer is an unequivocal "NO." That's honesty right there, folks.

And again while this causes even MORE self-hate (which brings me right back to wanting ice-cream), thus lowering my self-esteem, it does make me look at myself and say, "Hey, it's okay. But keep this in mind - you have to do better...but I still love you and we can try again tomorrow."

So there it is - despite the low self-esteem, I still love me. I still want what I wanted back when I lost 5.4 lbs and now when I gained 2 lbs of it back.  As long as I keep loving me, I can keep talking to myself, giving myself pep-talks, building my own ego and self-esteem, and even when I have bad days letting myself know that it's okay because tomorrow IS a brand new day.

Fat Bottom Girls You Make The Rockin' World Go 'Round!

Damn straight we do!

Tho I think I'm on the way to losing my fat bottom. A friend of mine, though, told me years ago that my ass is kinda really flat - there's no impressive buddunk-a-dunk bubble-shelf there. As I never look at my ass, I think I'll believe her.

The last couple of days have been kind of crazy.

Saturday night/Sunday morning our window a/c unit died a horrible, screaming, dying death (deader than dead, ma'am) and woke me out of a sound, nightmare laced dream. Not sure what I was dreaming about but as I'm currently reading the last book in Nora Roberts' "Sign of Seven" trilogy (fire, blood, deep dark scary woods, flaming-hot sex) it wouldn't surprise me if running into a tree while people died screaming in blood-baths around me had anything to do with it. Anyway, that meant that sleeping? Not so much.

Was up early on Sunday morning due to the above so I went to bed at around 8:30 on Sunday night. Monday morning I wake up - but only after the alarm goes off twice (didn't hear it), and the cats come up to harass me out of bed (after Mike'd already almost finished his shower). Shewt, who was running late? This girl right here!

But I got my work-out in!!
Why am I so excited about that? Because if you knew me and the lazy factor and the way I am able to talk myself out of what I need to do  you'd know how much of an accomplishment that was. Holy hell, I was dead tired and I could have legitimately said "screw you, exercise! i don't need you today!!" then happily fallen on my face in a dead-slump. BUT, I didn't!

I am constantly amazed at myself for the kind of resilience I keep pulling out of my ass - I am slowly but effectively changing my life! It feels awesome!

Part of what doesn't feel awesome? I've already hurt myself. Yes, you read it right - hurt myself. The rotator-cuff in my right shoulder seems to be against this whole exercise thing. Last night I avoided sleeping on my right side all night (uh, I sleep on my right side, folks - fun fact!) so again today could have been a "screw this!!" kind of day, but I reminded myself that riding the bike doesn't, in fact, involve my arms (do you know how heavy a Kindle is?!) so I needed to get my shit up and go!

So get up my fat ass I did - and you know what? After I'm all done for the day? It feels good!

This fat ass is gettin' it done, kids!

Guess who lost 5.4 lbs in 2 weeks?!

This girl! :D

Yes, I'm down to 350.0 lbs. No shitting you!
And my arms? Getting fabulous!

Okay, let's be honest. The 5am working-outs SUCK, but after some thought and discussion with friends throughout the week and over the past few days I've decided that even though Mondays suck hard-core (who created Mondays anyway??) that early in the morning is the only way I can work-out. It's by far the best time for me to do so because working out is by far the most disgusting part of my day! Get it over and it's OVER - I recommend it!

I've also found, too, that I feel better about myself after working out. All those endorphins - Mikey's safe! ("Working out creates endorphins - endorphins make people happy - happy people just don't kill their husbands!" ~ Legally Blond)

Anyway, I've been listening to another motivational song this week - Pink's "God is a DJ" - and one particular part always strikes me as important:

You take what you get and you get what you give
I say don't run from yourself, man, that's no way to live

How very true that is!
I was given a very fat-ass body and up until a couple weeks ago I had chosen not to do anything with it. I'm also very tall for a chick.

Oh, a little more on me, cuz I can't remember if I told y'all...

I'm 6' tall - that's in bare feet, no socks!!

I've been tall all my life. In 5th grade I was taller than my TEACHER. My school-mates treated me like garbage because of my height - constantly teased and harassed, I had absolutely NO chance at being normal. Boys? Yeah, not so much - and some of them were very cute! But none would ever have asked me out or approached me with anything but disdain and hate. It's amazing I'm as well-adjusted as I am, huh??

So that's what I've been given. Believe me, it's taken YEARS for me to semi-get-over it  - I'm not obviously completely over it - don't think I ever will be.  I've been given the early part of my life and while I'm trying to move on from it, I'm also not trying to run from it.

Running from yourself? Never going to happen. Ever. You're stuck in your body, folks.

I'm stuck in MY body.
 Every day, though, I think I'm becoming more and more okay with it.

This upcoming week will be the same as last week - 20 minutes on the stationary and then 15 reps of all the various weight stuff I do plus the few crunches I can crank out (around 10 right now). I wanted to give the 20 minute time-frame a bit longer mostly because it sucked so much for the first couple of days last week AND because I think if I don't increase things too quickly I'll be good.

Food, though?
Ugh. Time for some confessions - I suck at regulating my food intake. I love food! I'm a foodie! If I had the time/inclination/energy (ha!) I'd have become a pastry chef - just think about it! Layers of whipped cream, cake, chocolate, fudge (that word just promotes yumminess), pastries, frosting, omg....

But!
I did find that even though I'm sucking at the food-type decisions, I'm definitely eating less. Examples? Yesterday I went to the chinese buffet near work for lunch - I willfully chose not to get any kind of rice/pasta, I picked up a little chicken n' broccoli, a little beef n' mushrooms and then I had some sweet and sour pork. When I got done eating (which I did slowly b/c I didn't take time off for lunch) I wasn't completely stuffed like I usually am! And I was comfortable. Not full - I could have eaten more, but happy enough with what I had!

Another example? Last weekend we went to Tip Top (fave local joint for us to eat) and I ordered the french fries  and a chili dog - ate the chili dog, oh yes, but the fries? Not so much. I was full.

The point here? I think I'm slowly learning how far and how much I can go with my body before I say enough - like, I'm finally getting the signals from my stomach that says, "Hey, you're full, idiot!" It's a good feeling!

Here is the pic for the dress for the wedding in August, btw:

Pretty, no?

Back to the song - it means to move past the crap you've had to deal with, move forward with what you got, don't focus on the fast, but glorify yourself in your future. That's what I'm trying to do - so I'm going to do -

If God is a DJ

Life is a dance floor...

Get your ass on the dance floor!

It's time to get up! It's time to get up!

We're all in our places with bright shiny faces!...

That's a little ditty my mom used to sing to my brother, Chris, and I to get us up and around in the morning. I always thought it was a little silly and I don't know where it comes from but the other day I found myself singing it to Mikey (the husband) and I realized that I'll probably end up singing it to my kids. I like that thought a lot.

The past few days has been a bit of an awakening.
I should tell you all I'm down 3 lbs, by the way.
The awakening is that I can probably do this! After only ONE WEEK (and a day or two - I've been lazy about posting, I realize) my arms already have more definition and when I lift my arms the flab on the edge of my arms where they meet my shoulders has been slowwwwly disappearing.

I'm very impatient, I should tell all of you that now.
So far my pants still fit kinda tight, I still have a gut (I KNOW it's been only a week + a few days, but did I mention I'm impatient??) and I stilllllll HATE getting my big ass up in the morning!

BUT....but...hmmmm...there's that obnoxious word, but...funny that it's also butt...ha..

Anyway, as you probably know I'm trying to find inspiration. I love my baby outfit and it's working! I pet the lil feetie when I get really tired of my butt falling asleep on the stationary. However, I did realize I have something else to look forward to - a friend of mine is getting married in August and I needed a pretty dress for it. I went through my options - one of my addictions is buying pretty dresses - and I remembered I had a pretty one in the back of my closet that I haven't worn since my graduation (I graduated in 2009 - that's another topic I may ramble about at some point) because it was always a little tight across the bust.

My boobs aren't big.

So I put it in the back of the closet after graduation and despaired of ever wearing it again. The dress is black with turquoise straps and detailing at the top and a white swhirly pattern at the bottom. It didn't fit right. The umpire was too tight when I sat down, I can't wear a bra with it so I can't fill it out and it just wasn't comfortable.

I tried it on the other day - it still isn't.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut (ha!) I have faith that it could! So, we'll see.

So good morning, sweet-cheeks - I'm so glad I finally started getting up! 

I Was Born This Way, Baby!

There is a song that's been going around the radio stations a lot lately and was covered on a recent episode of Glee (yes, I'm a Gleek, deal with it). If you've been living under a rock (and I know, some of you do - rock may equal house in your parent's basement - no shame in that, where you live is where you live) you may not have heard it. The song is vaguely reminiscent of Madonna back when she was Madonna (let's not argue here, people...the woman should have quit when she was ahead) and has a poppy back-beat that's fun to groove to. The lyrics, however, send a powerful, very important message. Here are the truncated lyrics:


[Intro:]
It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Just put your paws up
'cause you were Born This Way, Baby

[Verse:]
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir
"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"

"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say"

[Chorus:]
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

[Post-chorus:]
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this way
Oh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born-
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way

[Verse:]
Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth

A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)
I love my life I love this record and
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)

[Bridge:]
Don't be a drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're Lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi,
lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.
No matter black, white or beige
Chola or orient made,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to be brave.

Every time I hear this song, I think to myself "I WAS born this way! I need to remember that this is the body and the life I was given - it's what I DO with it that counts!" Then it reminds me that what I am doing IS important - changing my life and hopefully for the better.

My parents have offered to buy me a ticket on a cruise with them when they go again in a couple years if I can reach and maintain this goal. I think at this point it's entirely doable. Then again, I have a ton of positive energy flowing through my veins from just having worked out. There may be something to this endorphin thing.

Yesterday morning I woke up and thought, "Today, as a gift to myself, I'm not going to work out." And I didn't! I took a day off! But....at the same time I felt like I was cheating myself; like I was missing something. An ex of mine said it only takes 12 days of repeating a behavior for it to become a "habit" or "routine". It took me only 5 days.

So today I worked out. I added some weights, did 10 crunches (will STAY 10 until next weekend) and tomorrow I'll up my time on the bike to 20 minutes.

Another thing I was thinking about (rambling, I know I am) was Weight Watchers. I resigned up about 2 months ago on that "3 months for x $$ plan" then about $20/month thereafter. Last time I was on WW I was very dedicated - I wanted to make it work and I wanted to learn what my "food mistakes" were. This time? Not so much. I think it's because this time I KNOW what I need to do (and not to do - nachos yesterday and danishes today) and I'm going to endeavor every day to do it right.

Every day is a journey.

A few days ago an internet friend of my suggested buying something and putting it in my work-out area that would help me focus and concentrate on my goal. She has a dress she bought (I don't know how long ago) that's her "goal" size. Well, this is my goal - I bought it awhile ago for a friend of mine, but I forgot to send it (sorry, Jamie) and then fell in love with it. It's got a cute lil bunny butt. Here's the pic:



So, that's my goal. And hopefully it will remind me that this is why I'm getting up at 5am. Everyone cross your fingers for me! :D

Phenomenal Woman, That's Me

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I`m not cute or built to suit a fashion model`s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I`m telling lies.
I say,
It`s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I`m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That`s me. 

I love this poem - seriously. It says a lot about how women SHOULD view themselves instead of how society views them. It was written by Maya Angelou, just so that we have that crediting thing out of the way. ;)

Today has been another day of ooo, oooh and hmm.

Tho today was the first day in this week where I haven't had to scream "BABIES" at myself while working out - that sounds like progress to me! Okay, at least on the exercise front. The food front? Not so much - Chipotle, Peanut M&M's and Pizza. Ugh.

Tho I did only have 2 pieces of pizza and 2 cheesy bread-sticks.

Gimme a break, folks, it's been 4 days!

However, I'm trying not to beat myself up over this....thing.

How am I doing this whole process, you ask?

Well, first exercise - part of my problem is that my metabolism has about as much energy as a 10 watt lightbulb. As most of you know if you don't have a fast-working metabolism you have a lead butt trying to grow bigger. Yeah, the imagery there is a bit messed up, but you get my point - my metabolism SUCKS.

So, to begin...

This week, week 1, I'm doing 15 minutes of biking (moderate speed) on our stationary bike. It's sitting in my living room, so I might as well use it, huh? ;) Then I plop my butt on my floor and I do arm curls, lifts and tricep lifts (over-my-head) with a 5lb weight (15 reps in each position). Doesn't sound like a lot, you say? Yeah, try to dead-lift that puppy on your back up over your head...then you tell me how "a lot" it feels. -.-

Week 2 - increase time on the bike to 20 minutes, increase reps to 20, add in *GROOOOOOOANNNN* Crunches!

Did I mention that I started my period this week? Yeah, Trisha + beginning crunches on the first week of my period? HELL-TO-THE-NO!

Now, for the naysayers out there - "don't you need to workout, like, an hour per day to see any differences?!" 

The easy answer? No.

The longer, more complicated answer?

The point is to gradually increase my activity - ANY activity at this point is better than absolutely nothing I had been doing. GRADUALLY because I have arthritis in my knees - moderate, per the doctor - so I'd like to NOT hurt myself, hmmm k?

This is hard. It's SO hard. Several of my wonderful friends on my Facebook are facing this struggle as well - we all have days that suck and we all have days that make us want to rejoice. Right now, it's kinda sucking - I'm not going to lie. However, I know that if I step on the scale on Saturday morning (my planned "checking" day) and I've lost even ONE pound I will be SO.PROUD. of myself! 

So maybe I should keep my sights on Saturdays? Yeah, that's a good idea right there.

Anyway, back to the poem bit at the beginning...

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I`m not cute or built to suit a fashion model`s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I`m telling lies.
I say,
It`s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I`m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That`s me. 

That IS me.
I am a phenomenal woman. The reach of my arms is enough to encircle the ones I love, the span of my hips attracts and keeps my husband's attention (he's a butt guy), my lips give kisses happily and lovingly. I am a woman. A phenomenal woman. 


Yup, that's me.

Ahh....5am, how I've missed thee. NOT.

Okay, so, this is day 3 of this new "goal" thing.
It's...not going so hot. It's going better than it could be, but damn, the first week sucks my butt.

Monday was okay...I did a good job with the food thing. Sorta. S'mores Pop-Tarts are the bane of my existence. My husband likes Pop-Tarts. He knows I love S'Mores Pop-Tarts. Thus they appear in my house. -.- I think he opened a new box, though, to feed my hunger. I think I need chocolate.

Tuesday was not good - there was a pot-luck at work. And who thinks it's rude if you don't try everything? ME! I did hold off on 2 hotdogs - only had one. They were tasty. Reminds me...I wonder what we're doing for dinner tonight. >.>

Anyway, a few extra thoughts popped into my head throughout the last two days.

1) I hate 5am. YES, I have been "good" in that regard - I've gotten up at 5am to ride 15 minutes on our stationary bike. Then I drop to the floor and do 15 reps of weights in 3 positions for my arms. I hate my arms. They are hamshanks, ffs! Anyway, 15 curls on each arm. 15 lifts on each arm. 15 over my head. My arms are hurting. But they could be worse!

2) I have to scream "BABIES!" at myself several times through this ~20 minute workout.

And ya know what? Before someone gives me freakin' lip about only doing 20 mins - I'M A FATTY! I'M STARTING OUT SLOW! DEAL WITH IT! -.-

*coughs*

Again, digressing.
I scream "babies" at myself to make sure I remember why I'm doing this. This whole 5am thing.
"Well, why don't you work out in the afternoon, Trisha?"

That's an excellent question, reader!

BECAUSE.
I'd rather work out in the morning - people say it "jump-starts" your metabolism and it's probably the hardest thing I make myself do throughout my day - so why not get it the hell over with? Shewt.

I did weigh myself Monday morning.
355.4
Blah.

Shit happens, I know. Fat shit happens to me, apparently.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.
Did I say I was going to try to type daily? Shewt, people, I have a life besides this! ;)

This is the first day of the rest of my life. Right?

Hi everyone. My name is Patricia Lynn Tefer Wisebaker and I am morbidly obese.

Well, let's not start there. I'm fat. Not phat - pretty happy and tasty - but fat - ferociously adverse tonnage. Yes, I realize I sound silly but I tend to use humor to temper my anger and frustration with just about everything I deal with.

Anyway, fat. Yes, I am. Most people know this and have come to accept that that's the way I am - always have been. If you look at pics of me as a kid, I've got the thighs, even though I wasn't yet "fat". I have always been tall.

Currently I stand at 6 ft tall and 350+ lbs. I'll update this later as I'm still trying to come to terms with all of this "truth" shit.

Oh, I swear, just so you know.

On to the point of this blog - I need to lose weight. Duh, I know, but it's become a critical-mass kind of situation. Here's some more truth - I'm infertile. Well, as good as. Doctor doesn't think it's my weight *primarily* but it is possible that my weight is a contributing factor.

I'm also on the road to a great big case of diabetes, heart disease, cholesterol issues....shewt, you name it I'm aiming for the experience.

I don't really WANT to do that, though.

Despite what the public thinks, fat people don't WANT to be fat. We didn't become fat overnight  - it happens gradually. You're going along one day at a time then all the sudden BAM you're fat! So why does the public expect that we're going to go thin instantly by just doing diet and exercise? Why do people think that shoving nutrition advice down our throats is going to make us WANT to be healthier?

Boys n' girls, as a fat person speaking to you guys - I know for fucking SURE that it's a matter of fighting against ourselves - so do NOT be all pissed when we finally admit we have a problem! Do NOT act like we're stupid because, speaking personally, I'M NOT. I KNOW what I should be doing, I KNOW what I need to do.

So why not do it?
That's a good question. A very good question.
Like I said, it's a fight, daily against my own self. I often feel like I'm an alien in my own body - how did I gain all this weight? How did I get bigger? I don't know that, either.

But now I have a goal and so, the point of this blog - 100 by 35.

I'm 33 years, 5 months and some days old.
I have set a goal for myself. The goal is this - to lose 100lbs by the time I turn 35 in December of 2012.

This blog is the first step in the journey - I'm a writer, it's time to write all this shit down.

So, since I've assailed your eyes for long enough, that's enough for today. Wish me luck people - the exercising starts tomorrow!