18 Wheeler

Can't keep me down, down
Can't keep me down
No you can't keep me down
I said you can't keep me down

Hey, hey, man! What's your problem?
I see you tryin' to hurt me bad
Don't know what you're up against
Maybe you should reconsider
Come up with another plan
Cuz you know I'm not that kinda girl
That'll lay there and let you come first 

(Chorus)

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run me over with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give up
You can treat me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run me over with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, girl! Are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword?
Cuz it's time to play the games
You are beautiful
Even though your not for sure
Don't let him pull you by the skirt
You're gonna get your feelings hurt

(Chorus x 2)

Everywhere that I go
There's someone waitin' to chain me
Everything that I say
There's someone tryin' to short change me
I am only this way
Because of what you have made me
And I'm not gonna break!

(Chorus x2)

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run me over with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give up
You can treat me like a slave
I'll go underground (I'll go underground, ground, ground ground..)
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down (Can't keep me down!!!)

If you can't tell, I take a lot of strength, encouragement and power from Pink; she is, I think, one of the greatest women to come out of my generation. I'm finding a lot of strength right now particularly from this song - as a mantra to keep myself going even when I feel like a total failure.

These past few days?
Definitely failure-days.
Right now I'm feeling like an 18 wheeler....

Part of the reason I started this journey is because Mike and I were planning on trying IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization) this month. I wanted to be healthier, be more aware of my body, have more awareness of self, before I got pregnant.

Unfortunately, if you follow me on FaceBook, you  know by now that we are not going to be trying IVF.

Of course, I'm terribly disappointed. I'm angry with God. I'm angry with life.
Or...I was.

After some discussion, Mike and I have decided to try for adoption.
After some discussion, we feel...I feel...like this is the best thing to do for us - and really, in our hearts, this feels like the RIGHT decision.
I feel like this is the right decision.

My father is adopted - his adoptive mother (I never met his adoptive father) was an absolutely wonderful woman. I admire and respect her a great deal and I only hope that I can be as good a mother to my children as she was to him and his sister (also adopted).

Now, though, I need a new goal for my weightloss.
Sure, it's all well and good be healthy (BORING!) and so forth, but I like goals. I like having a "reason".
So here is my new "goal" - to be sexy in a swimsuit!

And guess what? We've decided to buy an elliptical - kill me now. ;)

My Daily Food Log - 08/24

So, starting yesterday - ended up not having the spaghetti, but having mac n' cheese and juice instead of milk.

Breakfast:
- a granola bar
- yogurt

Snack:
- a peach

Lunch:
- leftover mac n' cheese
- diet Pepsi

Dinner:
- chicken, mushrooms n' noodles
- juice

Snack:
- Rice Chex (<3) w/1% milk

Don't have much else to say....

Did I Tell You About My Swiss-Cheese Memory?

It occured to me last night that I didn't really address the title of my last blog - The Importance of Being Earnest. Okay, I did reference it a little in the first paragraph, but here are the REST of my thoughts on that whole thing (cuz I find that I sometimes run away with my tangents...I apologize in advance).

It's important to be truthful throughout this process.
Truth.
Not sorta-covered-over-white-lies.
No, truth.

I find that I'm definitely not honest about what I eat.
This past spring I joined Weight Watchers for the 2nd time in my adult life. I found that while I hated having to always count the points and diddle around with "hey, can I eat this? no? can i substitute it with this? yes? omgmyhairisonfire!!! how many points will THAT be?!" it DID teach me a little about how truthful I am about what I put in my body.

Which is to say that I wasn't being truthful.

I have said in past blog posts that I don't eat as much as most people - and that still holds true - but what KINDS of food, well, that's a whole other ball-game.

So this is my pledge -
I'm going to go back to tracking what I eat - truthfully - every day. I'm going to do it here in this blog. Be warned this may be ALL I post for the day (but I'm a chatty lil thing, so don't bet your last $100 on it) but at least that way I'm being truthful not only to MYSELF but to you as well.

Please forgive me, though, the commentary I add to what I eat, cuz yeah, sometimes it's gonna be bad.

So here we go!

Breakfast:

-- small Coke
-- bacon, egg & cheese bagel from McD's (tho I did take off the egg half-way thru - how on EARTH to they have the NERVE to call that stuff "egg"?!)

Lunch:

-- 1 piece of cheese-bread & 2 medium pieces of ham & mushroom pizza from last night's dinner (I know, I know - but I only ate 2 pieces of cheese-bread last night and 2 pieces of pizza; I was starving from yesterday >.> However, I DID have a salad with dinner! I even had pickled beets.)

Dinner:

-- Spaghetti
-- glass of milk
-- 2 slices of garlic bread

Anyone else seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the pattern here?
Time to start cutting out on bread/pasta, I think. This is ridiculous. -.-


OH OH OH!
And before I forget again!
Looking for more inspiration from real people?? But not from the over-done, under-fed exercise gurus that make you want to punch their lights out??
My friend has started a blog of her own - so take a peek at Be My Mirror by Heather Stromski!!

The Importance of Being Earnest

So, our Canadian adventure is at an end and all I can say is....thank God!

I mean, don't get me wrong - it was a lovely trip - our friends Tasha and Kev are now happily married (they are seriously so darn cute!) and we had a great time. Wish we would have been there longer, to be honest - but vacations are never long enough, are they?

I was a bad bad girl, though.
I wasn't going to 'fess up - I was just going to let it slide and start up my exercising/dieting and go from there w/out a word about this bad badness, but I kind of find some comfort in confessing my sins. I wasn't raised Catholic, but consider this my "Bless me Father, for I have sinned..." moment.

For I have sinned.
The sin? Gluttony!
And what a beautiful glutton I was!

Okay, so, it COULD have been worse, but it COULD have been a LOT better. Ironically enough, I had more veggies in the past few days than I had had for awhile.

Beginning Friday night, we rolled into Ottawa and went to Tash & Kev's wedding rehearsal dinner - at a hibachi restaurant. For those who had never gone (like us - hibitchin' virgins) it's a restaurant where you sit around these great big grill tables and a chef stands there and prepares the food for you. We had allllll kinds of food - sushi (ack); mushroom broth (like it sounds - yet kinda tasty); tempura (stuff dipped in batter and fried - BAD! RED ALERT!!); a choice of chicken, beef or shrimp (I took the beef & chicken option) and various veggies (onions, mushrooms, zucchini and later, bean sprouts).

I learned two things.
1) I LOVE hibachi! Omg - so much fun!
2) I actually kinda dug the zucchini. I know, right? Weird!

So that was the food excess on Friday night. The end of the meal featured a shot of plum wine (tasty) and a bowl of vanilla ice cream (or orange sherbet - someone has to explain this whole orange-flavored thing - I mean, every "chinese" food restaurant has orange soda then the ubiquitous orange sherbet at the end).

Saturday we pretty much had a normal breakfast (I really tried to eat the oatmeal, but yuck - even with raisins!) but then we waited until about 5:30 for dinner - practically nothing in between. The wedding dinner was steamed veg, baked chicken with some sorta sauce on it (tasty, but unidentified) and rice.

So far, so good!

Then there came a big dessert. Well, several. Then later that night? Yeah, that's when the whole "eat sensible" thing fell through - looking back I realize it wasn't that bad - cuz suddenly appeared lots and lots of tidbits of stuff! Veggies, spinach dip (omg...), cold cuts....and cupcakes!!!!!!

>.>

Someone tell me why cupcakes are so darn tasty???

Anyway, Sunday was a repeat of the grand fete of Saturday night, only in our most comfortable clothes and a continuation of the hors d'ouerves. (Ottawa is Frenchies, dontcha know?) But then....oh then...things began to REALLY fall apart.

Anyone who has had poutine (omg) will understand where I'm coming from.
Cuz I had poutine.
What is poutine, one may ask? Well, first, it's pronounced "poo-teen". Second it's the most beautiful amalgam of  potato, cheese and gravy. Just imagine it! French fries, brown gravy and cheese curds. Omg.
*swoons*

Needless to say, it was a weekend of excessive badness. Of excessive food. Of excessive yumminess.
And now I'm ready to pay with excessive pay-ee-ness.

Ah well, I'm willing to accept the consequences....that's a good thing, right?

Today was one of those days.
I think I'm PMSing and I think that I'm so ready for this vacation.

Oh, yes, tomorrow is my Friday!
On the ACTUAL Friday morning we are all heading up to Ottawa for our darling friends' wedding! Tasha and Kev, I love you two. You're fabulous together and I can't wait to participate in your celebration!

Anyway, today.

PMSing, crabby and feeling rather down on myself.

I went to the Avenue (relaxed-trendy big girl's clothes - not as "old" as Catherines, not as "young" as Lane Bryant - a nice middle-ground for those of us that aren't dead and aren't sluts) tonight to purchase pantyhose.

Pantyhose is always an adventure. Big girls usually look like sausages in pantyhose - hell, Lane Bryant doesn't even CARRY pantyhose in their stores (wtf are they thinking?!) - they carry Spanx.

A thought about Spanx - HELL IN LYCRA! This is hard-packed sausage! Smoked sausage! Non-breathing, non-moving sausage! They are NOT fun and I'm sorry, but their "plus size" options SUCK!

Anyway, back to the pantyhose -
I'm wandering around the store and there's this lady that works there that I recognize the few times I go in and she recognizes me. She says to me, "Hey! You've lost weight!!"

:-D

Oh. My. God!
Someone's noticed!
Despite having not worked out this morning (I'm planning on at least doing my crunches tonight), and feeling like a big fat blob of HORRIBLE today...

That comment made me SO.HAPPY.
Ask Mikey - I was grinning like an idiot!

This just tells me to keep going.
Keep trying.
Keep pushing.

Favorite quote of the day (why not, right?):
"Michelle Bachmann Isn't Satan - Satan Doesn't Have Split Ends!"

Oh, look...something to write about.

I have to say this one thing and then I'll keep my peace.

DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING.
About me.
About the next fatty you see or talk to.
About anyone.

So many thin people out there (even former fatties) assume that my main problem is eating. That obese folk out there just eat and eat and eat - that they're ALL compulsive eaters!

And it pisses me off.
It makes me so angry I want to shake some sense into them.
Why, you ask?

Because I'm NOT a compulsive eater.

Get it right, folks - not all assumptions you make about anything or anyone is going to be correct.
Get over yourselves.

Just the facts, folks.

I know lately I've been incognito.
A few reasons for this...well, here's the rundown.

4 weeks (approx) ago, I got 2 moles removed from my back. Biopsy results were that they are pre-cancerous. That is not sad to me because it's pretty much what I expected. Dr says that there are 3 more he's going to be "watching". Yay.

2 days after the removal of the moles, my period came. Sorry dudes that read this, but I haveta talk about it (I may have before so I apologize for that, too, in advance. I've taken the policy to not read what I've written before if I can avoid it because it depresses me). I had cramps like WOAH. I'm not sure what is/was going on - the weightloss making my body react differently? I don't know. What I do know is that my entire puberty until now I rarely had cramps. This time, I had the in SPADES. -.- Not a happy camper this made Trisha.

So I put off the exercising because of these two events.

Things finally calmed down and while I was doing alright, my back was giving me some problems. You see, I'm allergic to most medical adhesives. We did find a bandaid that did end up working - Top Care, if you're interested - for a full week. Then the night before the stitches were to be removed, Mike removed some skin along with the bandaid. OW. Suddenly had a 5 inch chemical burn across my lower back (it seems my body again said HOLD IT when I had the bandaids on for exactly a full week - Thursday to Thursday - then that night decided it couldn't take them anymore).

As the OW was there, that was fine - the next morning my stitches were removed. However, the infection continued and, well, avoiding all the gross details I'm FINALLY healed up!

This morning I once again resumed the exercising (tho this time I only made it 15 minutes instead of my standard 20 - I'm aiming to exercise again tonight).


But it's been a bad few days.


This upcoming weekend we have a wedding to attend - remember that black dress I wanted to wear? The one with the turquoise and white number? Yeah...no. I tried it on Saturday night and that was the very first time in my entire life I cried BECAUSE of my weight. BECAUSE of my body shape. As you can all imagine this was upsetting to Michael - he's such a wonderful husband and despite the fact he's married to the Great White Whale, he still loves me and thinks me beautiful.


Saturday night, though, despite the great leaps I've made in personal self-esteem, I folded.
I'm not proud of it. I am angry about it, still; I am still still STILL trying to accept myself - accept my body and all it's weird quirks.


And that's mostly the reason I've once again began this climb towards health once again.


Didn't I tell you all it was cyclical?


Welcome to the next round of the cycle. Enjoy.

This Post Brought To You By The Letter Grrr

It's been a rough week, readers.
I haven't exercised, I'm feeling all moo-y, and I have no one to blame but....

Okay, really, this time 'round the reasons are real and irritating. First, Aunt Flo decided to show up, with her she brought extra cramping (unusual for me) and on top of THAT, I have 7-8 tiny stitches in my back. The stitches aren't the problem, but the blessed band-aids ARE. Grr.

So this week I'm taking off. I have a physical on Monday morning so I'm hoping I haven't put myself back TOO horribly far.

I think that I almost HAVE to go through these circular patterns.
I basically shame myself into exercising/eating right, then I do so - do a good job of it, too! - then I am forced to take time off (either I hurt myself, or like now, I end up having some stupid medical thing), then I shame myself...well, you guys get the drift.

The only thing about THIS time 'round is that my "exercising/eating right" time lasted a good lot longer than it has before.

I also like to think that my shame-spiral time will be LESS this time.

I'm also beginning to think that I may need to have my head examined.

Ah well, at the very very very least I'm looking forward to getting my stitches out and hopefully renewing my body efforts.

Wish me luck, folks - 7am Friday morning I can get the stitches out, then back on the wagon!